Its Day 23 of the 30 Day Challenge and I have had a heck of a day today. Of course I am having family drama…as per the norm. Some people believe that blood is thicker than water, you can’t choose your family, family comes first…. Etc..etc…etc. I believe that as an adult you share your life with people that you love and love you back. It’s not because of obligation but because you work on a healthy relationship with friends and family that contribute to the success of the relationship you share. I have had to cut myself off from several unhealthy relationships and create boundaries for myself in order to maintain healthy nurturing relationships with people that do the same for me. I’ve clocked more than my fair share of time on the couch in therapy, meditating, on my mat, talking, sharing and thinking things through to come up with what my boundaries are.
I would consider myself to be a survivor. A survivor of child abuse. A survivor of religious abuse…meaning we were raised that the only way was accepting Jesus Christ as our personal savior and the sole source of direction in our lives. The bible being the one truth; the literal interpretation. Speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, prophetic words from God through men. The fear of hell being the main motivator in defining our actions and reactions. When we all get to heaven, what a place it will be. We will finally get our just reward for being a follower of Christ. In the meantime 10% of your salary goes to the church and Gods work. Doesn’t sound like abuse? Consider having to attend church 3 or 4 times a week for various reasoning and only socializing with other Christians outside of that and you have a recipe for an unbalanced upbringing. I survived this childhood and was kicked out fairly young, around 19. I was unprepared to deal with life’s temptations because of this sheltered upbringing and soon fell into the traps of Drugs, Sex and Rock n Roll. A decade of my life passed that was lost to various drug addictions and the inability to settle down in a relationship. Experimenting with my sexuality and coming to terms with what I believed to be my truth.
Some doctors believe that some religions produce a childhood dominated by fear – a real fear of hell, of disapproval in the present and of eternal damnation. This is a trauma which has effects lasting well into adulthood. As an adult I have recognized this as a form of abuse in my life and have gone on a quest of self discovery to counter act this trauma and understand what it is that I believe to be true. I’ve had to re-look at the things that I just inherently believe to be true because the teachings are so ingrained in my psyche. Walking away from the concept of Heaven and Hell is more easily said than done. I am grateful for the teachings that I have exposed myself to outside of western culture. There is no concept of heaven and hell in eastern philosophy (that I have been exposed to) and this has profoundly changed not only the way I look at the big picture but the way that I view my world around me. I believe that what you put into something you should get out of it. I believe that the Divine in me recognizes and honors, the Divine in you. That does not make me a door mat for other peoples dysfunctional love. Even if we are related. I choose to share my life and light with people because of my inherent hope in the good will of all people. My love of laughter. My mental, spiritual, emotional and social needs.
I love my life and I love the people that I have filled it with. I am open to meeting new people and consider it an honor to be able to make new friends as I get older. It seems like as we get older it becomes more difficult to make connections with other people. You have to be really open and vulnerable to making that connection with people. You take a risk that you will be hurt. I’ve been hurt in the past by people that I have loved. My goal is to allow myself to remain open to the possibility of sharing love and light with people.
Sometimes you have to look at people and be honest and say, “I am moving on.” Today was that day for me. I reluctantly released myself from the obligation of maintaining a unhealthy relationship that was not working out. Break-ups are hard for everyone involved. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the person but it means (for me) that in order to move forward and continue to grow and prosper I have to release you in order to maintain healthy boundaries.
I ran to my mat and had the world’s worst practice. I was in a desperate situation mentally and just wanted to work through my thoughts and mind-set so I forced myself into the non-heated 12:30 class even though I had a 1:30pm conference call. I left early to get dressed and get onto my call. Its only in this moment as I write these words that I realize that I am okay with my decision and have done what is best for me and my family. Instead of getting worked up and emotional I feel rationale about the idea that you have to have boundaries that you operate in. I feel like Gandalf on the bridge screaming, “You shall not pass.” ….How cute…I made a joke… Day 23 yoga….check!